What happens if you show up as you?
When did just being me stop being enough?
This is a hard one to answer, but we have to look at all the factors with unapologetic honesty.
When did you start changing who you are to adapt, to feel significant, to fit in, to be loved…
With all honesty, we are here to find meaning and live with a purpose. And from the time we started growing up even just a little, we were told who we are to be through expectations imposed on us, through cultural influences, through demands of the societal norms, through conditional love.
We come into this world full of awe and wonder. We bring joy, meaning, and a quiet kind of magic into the lives of those around us. Babies are loved simply for existing; they don’t need to prove anything or become anyone… not yet.
But as we grow, something shifts.
Love starts to feel conditional… And this is where the most damage is done. Something that is our birthright, to be loved, to be cared for, to bring meaning, starts becoming something to “work” for, perform, change how we show up, and, most importantly, the way we’ve learnt to see ourselves through the eyes, words and actions of others. It influences everything in our lives and how we proceed in life, in relationships, how we learn to find meaning, belonging, love…
Based on how we perform.
What we achieve.
How we are compared to others.
How we are seen, praised, and approved of.
Layer by layer… expectations, identities, pressure. They don’t just shape how we see ourselves but also how we see life and what meaning it has for us. It is no longer a secret that what we live becomes us. And here be mindful, because every choice you make, every action you take, every relationship you enter casts a vote towards the life you are creating.
Until one day, we forget who we came here to be. What we truly want. What actually makes our soul feel alive?
What dreams we have of our own, what we are allowed to be and become and what would be frowned upon. And we learn to cope the best way we can to feel validated, to feel like we belong, to feel like we are worthy of love, in whatever shape and form we can get it.
Here is the moment of truth, to see how the patterns we follow are the only way we learned to survive emotionally, to feel safe, contained. And some of these patterns are highly destructive. Here is the moment for us to look in the mirror and see all of it, the truth, the lies, the beautiful and the ugly.
Because the truth has to be told, most of our most stable patterns and coping structures in adult life started when we were very young, when our emotional intelligence only started to shape itself; if at that time we started “using” stuff, adopting behaviours, finding relief if something… it blocks the natural ability to overcome stress, difficulties, challenges and build resistance.
Instead, we run; we always chase something… goals, status, appearance, pleasure… validation. To not feel that familiar pain that somewhere started destroying us, to find things that veil the truth with a false sense of self. Numbing, disassociating, finding external factors to create our worth.
And somewhere along the way, we lose connection to the quiet beauty of simply being here and simply looking at ourselves with empathy. Empathy! Because this is where you can start again, from this moment, from this clear vision and understanding. Choose differently, proceed with awareness, and the choice that comes from THIS MUST change now, because when we soften it with this SHOULD change, we aren’t truly feeling the urgency to commit to that necessary change. It’s almost like we are okay to postpone it. We are okay being the victims and leave it up to God, the Universe, anyone and anything… There is no accountability, and that resilience is still not being built, but now by choice.
I’d suggest going back… To the child within us who once found magic in everything. Who was curious, present, open. Who didn’t need permission to feel joy. To the child who, through dependence on others, learnt some pretty wrong things about themselves… to the child that had no voice, no choice, no ability to understand the complex world and people, where even the closest people who are supposed to protect, care, love, and nurture us can leave the deepest wounds in our hearts. And it’s on them… not us! Understanding this allows you to shed all those layers of what happened and reclaim your own story.
And maybe coming back to yourself isn’t about becoming anyone… but remembering who you were before the world told you who to be.
And allowing ourselves to feel life again slowly, gently, fully… Allowing ourselves to redefine who we are, because we can!
Empatherically Yours,
Daris Kozhukhar
